Thoughts.

My husband can do anything. I am not just saying that to be nice; he can literally do just about anything. For instance, he remodeled our whole house. I mean, it isn't finished yet, but he has done all the work himself--with a little help on the heavy-lifting. He has decided recently to teach himself how to write "code" to make his own website. I don't even know what that means, but he has already (within one week) built the beginnings of an entire website. If you want a new bathroom, call Chris. If you want a new sink, call Chris. If you want your computer fixed, call Chris. If you want anything updated, calculated, built, wired...etc.etc.etc. Call Chris. You see what I live with? Mr. Handyman Extraordinaire. I, on the other hand, can edit your paper for you, write you a poem, or suggest a good book...these things aren't exactly bringing in the dough---oh yea, and I can sew you one mean pillow...jealous? So, at times I feel like I am not an equal contributor to our marriage. I mean, I go to work, but what else do I do? With all these odd jobs and fulfilling activities Chris is involved in, I feel like I need to find my niche, and I don't want my niche to be keeping the house clean...know what I mean?

I feel like I have been slipping at school. But, I also see that we are accomplishing exactly what we are supposed to accomplish. I dread the day these Juniors leave me, and maybe I am subconsciously trying to enjoy every minute I have left with them. But, I can't help but feel like I am losing their respect...losing their attention for Literature...losing my ability to keep them engaged. Maybe it is my feelings about this that adds to the feelings I have that Chris is more talented than me. And, really, I don't know if it is that he is more talented or that his talents are more dominant than mine are. Whatever the case, I have got to find some outlet before I explode.

If I am on top of things at school, my house is a mess. If my house is clean, I am behind at school. I have no idea how to find balance, and I have no idea how to fit into that, already cramped, schedule something that is just for me--just something for me to enjoy doing. What am I good at? I mean, am I even a good writer? Am I even a good teacher? Is there something that I am really good at that I have never even thought of? Have I been pursuing this "writing/teaching/literary" lifestyle because I am that way or because it is what I want myself to be, what I have seen in movies and books that makes me jealous? I want to be doing what I am supposed to do--what God wants me to do. And, for some reason, I get the idea that I might be on the wrong path, that God might be urging me to try something new...

I feel like I am standing at a fork in the road. Frost would tell me to choose the path "less traveled," but is Frost who I should be following? Maybe there is a path that many have traveled before me that I am destined to take. Maybe there is a path that has been cleared just for me by people I never knew. As I am standing here, I wonder how much time I have before they both grow up, and I am forced to turn around and head back. The scary thing is that I don't even know where the paths lead...either of them, but I have to take one. I can't just stand here and hope that someone will come along to push me one way or the other. I must decide. Don't get me wrong, I know the Lord is always guiding me, but I also know he gave me free will. He isn't ever going to force me into anything, and I think that he gave me choice because I need it. I need to choose this path...I just need to first decide which one.